A young queer man who just came out, working in Luxembourg at a regular job, after quitting high school in the final year. Which doesn't bring him joy, which he finds out a few years later. Confused by continuously using weed, thinking he made the right decision. Coming out, but still not feeling like himself, like he doesn't belong where he is at this moment. Being this weird, shy, and introverted wallflower, not showing any of these confusing emotions. Always playing this happy, worry-less character. Nobody to who he feels like talking because he feels like nobody knows him like this. He doesn't like any attention. It feels right to be hiding between these walls he built up for himself. All these regrets slowly appeared and making him feel anxious and bringing up not-so-good thoughts. And then there is always this unwell feeling, this void. A feeling like he can't breathe, heart racing, and hands shaking. The feeling inside the stomach of thousands of ants running wildly up and down, right to left. Never knowing where it comes from.
Who the fuck am I? What do I want to do with my life? What is all of this? All these unanswered questions floating around this big bubble. Some day there comes someone new, a special person. But these walls and confusion blinded his view. New questions appear. Will this person ever accept me, behind my mask? Too afraid to lose them someday. Anxiety comes back stronger and more often until every day is filled with fear and tingling hands and short breath. Still have no idea what this is and where it comes from. These feelings and emotions become your personal scary monster. How do I fight this monster? What if this monster can help me tear down these walls? Maybe every bad has something good. Something is different now. There is someone to help. This new person he loves. If you have to choose between fear and love, choose love. Finding this one hand to hold onto can be so magical. But the fight is still yours alone. The hardest part is admitting that you need help. Once you've reached this, it only gets better. Trust me, trust the process. There is no better feeling than coming from a therapy session and finally realizing what is going on within yourself. Finally naming these fears and emotions. Panic attacks, feelings of regret, and not having closure. Showing your true emotions is the best you can do while talking to someone about how you feel. It is so liberating. Once you've realized this, nothing can stop you anymore. It is time to bloom. This you can only achieve, once you listen to your body from the inside. Go into nature for walks with music, even if it rains. Go get that feeling of being alive back. Try meditating sometimes. I know it is not easy, but it can help you to see and feel what is happening with your mind. Do some physical activity. Learn something new. Do something that makes you proud of yourself. Set new goals. But don't be disappointed if you don't achieve them in a second. We are all trying our best and we all do fault. Don't put too much pressure on yourself and don't compare yourself with others. There are still so many years before you to explore. And try journaling your days. Like I'm doing right here. It helped me a lot to sort all my thoughts together and see what is happening to me.
AND FINALLY, PUT THESE THOUGHTS, THESE DREAMS, THESE EMOTIONS, THESE GOOD TIMES, THESE BAD TIMES, THESE MEMORIES, THESE EXPERIENCES THAT HELPED YOU GROW AND BECOME THIS BEAUTIFUL PERSON YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, INTO FUCKING ART!